I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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