I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
