i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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