Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
