a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
someone owes me an orgasm
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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