You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
