it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
