He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
