Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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