I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
