He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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