Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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