matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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