why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
