just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
