Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
