i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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