Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
