Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
