Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
