Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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