Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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