you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
