I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
