Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
