Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
