I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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