my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Found the puke drawer
I wish there were birth control emojis
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
