his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you win again, gameday.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
