I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
