saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
