I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
