sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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