did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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