my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
