i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
