I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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