Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
