he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
