i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Boobs are out for the taking
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
