I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
