Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
