tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Randomize
