There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
