I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
