so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
