I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think my vagina is haunted
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
ok first of all what the fuck
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
