would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
