What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
