you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
